Hanuel
*The next morning*
I woke up to sunrays coming through the window. I blinked for a moment as I looked around and my eyes landed on Hoseok who was sleeping peacefully.
Oh *!
I closed my eyes for a moment as I recalled the events that took place yesterday. I found Hoseok in that bar and got involved in that fight. Then we went to another bar to lay low, but we both ended up getting wasted. We came here and we had sex.
Great! Oh Great!
I sighed as I got off the bed carefully so as not to wake him. I went to grab my clothes but winced as my arm hurt. I looked at where I had the cut. It wasn’t too deep but it seemed dirty since I did not take care of it.
I rolled my eyes and grabbed my panties and put them on. I grabbed my bra and clipped it on quickly. I put on the rest of the clothes along with my jacket.
I suddenly heard movements and I turned around to see Hoseok getting up. I gulped as I suddenly felt nervous of how he was going to react. I watched him as he sat up and groaned while he stretched.
His eyes landed on me as he yawned. ‘Where the hell are we?’ he asked as he looked around, probably realizing we’re not at the house.
‘What do you remember about last night?’ I asked as I crossed my arms across my shoulders. He squeezed his eyes before he looked at me.
‘The bar fight and then us drinking,’ he said before his eyes went wide. ‘We slept together!’ he exclaimed with a horrified look on his face. ‘*,’ he mumbled angrily.
‘Don’t get so angsty about it. Just get dressed and forget it happened,’ I said as I grabbed his boxers and threw them at him. ‘I’m going to go and settle the bill,’ I said as I quickly put on a mask and left the room.
I hurried downstairs as I went to the reception. ‘I’m here to pay for the room,’ I said as I presented my credit card. She took it and was typing away while I looked at my phone which had a number of texts from Yoongi.
Yoongi: Did you find Hoseok? Is everything okay?
Yoongi: Should I be worried that you’re not answering.
Yoongi I saw the footage of the fight. Seems like you two are okay. I’ll see you back at the house.
I sighed as I put my phone away and put in the pin number. A receipt came out and she gave me back everything. I sighed as I went outside to wait for Hoseok.
I grabbed a cigarette and lit it up, feeling the nerves in my stomach. I grabbed the lighter and set the receipt on fire. I watched it burn before I dropped it to the ground and watched it become ash.
I heard the door open and Hoseok walked next to me. His face was hard and unreadable. He felt cold and distant and I knew things were not going to be the same.
‘Let’s go,’ he said coldly. I just nodded as we both started walking. We only stopped when we reached the main road so we could stop a taxi when I remembered the bike.
‘Actually, I need to go get my bike. Yesterday we got too drunk and left it there,’ I said and he nodded.
‘Okay,’ he replied as he refused to look at me. For some reason I could not explain, it hurt. I sighed and started hurrying away to get to where I left the bike.
*Two days later*
*Still Hanuel’s POV*
Things between Hoseok and I have gotten worse. We have not talked about what happened, actually, we’ve barely talked at all. He keeps avoiding me or be cold with me.
I sighed, unsure of what to do or how to get things to normal. I… I missed him, even if I would not be caught dead admitting that to him. I’d rather have my tongue cut off than say that. I would never hear the end of it.
I frowned again as I stood up and stormed towards his room. I did not bother to knock as I walked into the room. He looked at me startled before he frowned as I closed the door.
‘Don’t you know how to knock?’ he asked, clearly irritated as he stood up. I turned around and crossed my arms across my chest.
‘We need to talk Hoseok,’ I said. He closed his eyes and sighed.
‘No, there’s nothing to talk about Hanuel. Please leave,’ he said as he was ready to turn back around. I reached for him and grabbed his arm, turning him around, but he quickly pulled his arm from me. I nearly lost my balance at the unexpected gesture but I managed to stand straight.
‘Don’t touch me!’ he yelled at me. I flinched for a moment, almost as if I felt a shock running through my skin.
‘What the hell is wrong with you Hoseok?’ I yelled back, but he just rolled his eyes at me. ‘Please Hoseok. Is this about us sleeping together?’ I asked, trying to lower my volume.
‘I don’t want to talk about it. Sleeping with you was a mistake!’ he said and I nodded.
‘Yeah, okay, sure, maybe, but it doesn’t mean we stop talking. You’re acting like a * Hoseok,’ I said but he scoffed.
‘Oh yeah? Well maybe I’m not acting like one and just am,’ he said. ‘I don’t want to see your face Hanuel!’ he added, yelling a bit.
‘Why? What did I do so wrong? You’re acting as if I am the one who forced you to sleep with me!’ I said, trying to defend myself. ‘I asked if you were sure and…’ I said but he stopped me.
‘Because that was the night she died Hanuel! Because the one night that I wanted to spend with the memories I had of her, I ended up *ing you!’ he yelled back.
I stood staring at him, unable to process the word. Suddenly, my throat felt dry while my back was getting soaked with sweat. He shook his head as he ran his hand through his hair.
‘Why are you even here? It was the Scarlets that killed my family, so why are you, a *ing Scarlet, in my life? Why did I even * you?’ he said.
I gulped because the one stung. It felt like everything that we built over this past half year was a lie – an illusion that I believed. It felt as if every time he said he had my back or trusted me was a lie and now he was showing me his true colours.
‘Then, if you hate me so much, why did you save me? Why didn’t you let Rosa kill me? You would have done the world and yourself a favour!’ I said and for a moment I saw him blink. ‘After all, I’ll always be a monster in your eyes, no matter how many times you say you don’t see me as such,’ I said quietly.
‘Because you didn't do anything to me before our night together. Because I should not have slept with you on the day she died! Because I'm not like you - I don't let people die for nothing. You may not have killed my family but you did nothing to save them!’ he yelled as two tears rolled down his cheeks.
‘No,’ I said as I shook my head. ‘No, I just got tortured for trying to save them. You have no clue, no *ing idea of the horrors I went through Hosoek. You don’t know the beatings I got for every *ing time I tried to save someone. How could you know? Yes, you’re in a gang but all your life you’ve had people loving you and caring for you while all I had was punishment,’ I said in one breath.
‘Hanuel,’ he said, a bit more softly but I shook my head. I took out my sword and I saw him widen his eyes. I twirled it around as I presented the hilt to him.
‘Here,’ I said, pushing it towards him as the end of it pointed to my heart, ‘if you hate me this much – end it, once and for all,’ I said.
‘You’re insane. Just get out of my sight,’ he said as he pushed the sword away. I scoffed as I put it back in its place.
‘Fine. The next time you want someone to * with don’t come to me,’ I replied. I turned around and ran out of the room, slamming the door behind me, but even through the closed door I could hear something shattering against the wall.
Hoseok
‘*,’ I yelled as I grabbed the lampshade and threw it against the wall. The glass part of it shattered while the rest broke as it landed on the ground.
I sat back down on the bed, feeling frustrated and angry at myself. Why the * did I have to be such a pathetic loser? She wasn’t wrong when she said I was the one who asked her to sleep with me. She did ask me if I was sure and I had just told her I needed her. In that moment I just wanted to forget so why am I angry at the fact that she succeeded?
While I was with her, I forgot about everything. I forgot about my failure of protecting my family. I forgot about how much I missed them – how much I loved them – how much it ached to not have them next to me anymore. I forgot about that rage inside my stomach – rage at the ones who took them away from me. I forgot about the emptiness and numbness and for one night, I felt alive again.
We were both drunk so it’s not like she took advantage of me. I was *ed at my lack of self-control. I was angry at myself because I felt like I failed Ae-Cha’s and Minho’s memory – as if I disrespected them for choosing myself again – for being selfish.
I should have not gotten angry at her or taken it out on her. It wasn’t fair and it wasn’t even real. I knew better than that. I knew I did not mean those words because she has been a blessing to Bangtan and… to me. She’s been someone I could open up to about certain things. She’s been someone who just understood.
I wanted to hurt her for a reason I didn’t know. Maybe because I felt so damned undeserving of her, but I did wrong. I hurt her too much – I hurt her so much that she was ready to give me her sword so I could end her life.
I shuddered at the thought as I laid down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. My mind went back to our conversation and the more I repeated it in my head, the worse I felt about it.
I remembered the last time we fought like this and she had stormed off. She had ended up caught by Rosa and tortured. I never forgave myself for that so why did I do it again? I remembered my promise to her – to always be there for her. * I really *ed things up!
I jumped off the bed and put on my shoes and jacket. I grabbed a mask and took off jogging. I hurried down the corridor and went to the garage. I put on the helmet and jumped on a bike.
I sped out of the garage and to the old abandoned house where I knew she would be. I knew that was her go to space. Even if the house was old and broken and a little creepy, it was her safe haven.
I arrived, probably in record time. I parked the bike, took off my helmet and hurried towards the door. I knew it would be unlocked so I carefully turned it around and walked in as quietly as I could.
The house was dark but there was a noise coming from somewhere further inside. I followed the noise to where I found Hanuel in the living room. She was practicing with her sword but she seemed… frustrated, angry… hurt. I gulped, knowing I caused this. I stood there, next to the door, in the shadow, almost as if I was hiding.
I saw her stop before she grabbed at the bottle of vodka and took a sip from it. I heard her scoff because it was probably empty before she threw it against the wall, causing it to break.
She took a step towards a mirror that was hanging against the wall. There was a dim light but I could see her as she stared into the mirror. Before I could do or say anything, I saw her punch the mirror, causing it to break.
She did not flinch or move but I knew she most likely was hurt. I stepped out of my hiding place, ‘Hanuel!’ I called out as she turned around quickly, her sword coming up.
‘Hoseok?’ she asked and I nodded. ‘What the hell are you doing here?’ she asked. Her face was emotionless but her voice… her voice betrayed her. My eyes darted to her free hand which was dripping with blood.
‘I came to apologize Hanuel. Please, you’re hurt. Let me help you,’ I said as I went to take a step further but she was quick adjust her sword which she placed against my neck, forcing me to a stop.
‘Stop Hoseok. Stop pretending,’ she said. I flinched at her words as I realized how much I really *ed up.
‘No, no I am not pretending Hanuel. Please, let me help you,’ I said as I tried to reach for her but she pressed her sword to my neck.
‘No. Leave or I won't hold back to kill you like the monster that I am,’ she said with a shrug, ‘you said it yourself, so get out of my way!’ she said, raising her voice slightly, almost as if she wanted to intimidate me or scare me.
‘No,’ I said. ‘No, I’m not leaving you. Besides, you won’t because you’re not a monster,’ I said as I still tried to reach her.
She scoffed and shook her head as she smiled that empty smile I hated so much. ‘You know damn well I will,’ she said.
I nodded and took a step further. ‘Do it then,’ I said as I raised my hand almost in surrender. ‘God knows I deserve it and worse,’ I said. She pressed harder and I felt the steel cut slightly through my skin.
Her bottom lip trembled before she let go and dropped the sword. It fell with a clang while she looked at me angrily, yet she still refused to cry.
I sighed before I grabbed her arm and pulled her in a tight hug. ‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,’ I said but she did not hug back or even talk to me. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before I broke the hug. ‘Let me fix your hand,’ I said.
‘There isn’t a first aid here,’ she said and I sighed as I led her to the couch and forced her to sit down. I went to the kitchen where I knew she kept a stash of water bottles and long-life food. I grabbed a bottle of water went back in there.
I put everything on the table before I went to the old chandelier that still had candles in it. I grabbed my lighter and lit the candles, providing some light. I took the water bottle and kneeled down in front of her.
‘Give me your hand,’ I said and she did without complaints. I frowned as I saw the cut but I twisted open the water bottle and started to pour it on her hand. Once again, there was no flinch or movement, another reminder of the pain she has gone through in her life.
I managed to clean off the blood and I set the bottle down. I grabbed my shirt and tucked it out of my pants. I tore a piece of it and wrapped it around her hand.
‘I don’t think you need stitches. Usually it’s Jin-hyung who stitches us up but I think this should hold,’ I said and she just nodded. ‘Are you not going to tell me anything?’ I asked.
‘What should I tell you Hoseok? What am I supposed to say?’ she asked. I sighed as I sat down beside her.
‘You’re supposed to yell at me. Tell me to get lost. To * off. You’re supposed to tell me you hate me,’ I said but she sighed.
‘I think you know I don’t,’ she said quietly and I nod. I reach for her hand and surprisingly she lets me hold it. I took a deep breath as I prepared myself to speak. I wanted to clear things.
'You're not a monster Hanuel and I'm sorry I lost it. I was angry at myself that I would.... would sleep with someone on her death anniversary,’ I said.
‘I know. I’m sorry, I should have stopped you but,’ she said but I shook my head.
‘No, you asked me and I insisted. Sex with you, well, it was great, I just felt disappointed in myself because I felt like I mocked their memory,’ I said.
‘So you lashed out at me,’ she said and I sighed, almost feeling embarrassed. ‘It’s okay Hoseok. We both lash out at each other sometimes,’ she said but I shook my head.
‘What I did was not acceptable. Yeah we lash out but I wanted to hurt you at the time. I lost my mind in that moment so no, it was never okay and it never will be,’ I said.
‘If you say so. Hoseok… can you tell me about your wife and son?’ she asked and I nodded.
‘In truth, my wife and I, we were best friends. We grew up together and then we had one drunken night which resulted in our son. We married so I could protect her and our son. We loved each other the way friends did but not like wife and husband. Still, I cared about her, a lot. She was my family and I promised to protect her, always but I failed,’ I said.
‘It wasn’t your fault Hoseok. What happened, it was cruel and evil but it was not your fault. You could not have done anything to stop it, trust me,’ she said and I sighed.
‘Every time we mention the Scarlets, I feel it in my bones and in my heart, a reminder of my failure and I have to keep reminding myself that you had nothing to do with it. I just lost it earlier because I felt guilty for sleeping with a Scarlet but you're more than that. Being a Scarlet is only a part of you. You're Choi Hanuel,’ I said.
I saw her gasp a little as she looked at me, almost perplexed. ‘So what if I am? There’s nothing special about Choi Hanuel. She’s still a Scarlet,’ she said but I shook my head.
‘No. Domina Umbra is the badass girl who is amazing in a fight, who is downright scary and calculated. Choi Hanuel, she’s the girl who prefers to get tortured so she saves people. The girl who has uncountable scars as a testament of her good heart. The girl who came into our lives and just became a part of us. You're not just a Scarlet,' I said squeezing her hand.
‘Hoseok…’ she said as her eyes became glossy, almost as if she was ready to cry. I knew she did not want me to see her cry so I pulled her in and let her bury her head in my chest.
‘You are more than you portray yourself to be. You diminish yourself because you keep holding on to your guilt. In reality, it was never your fault. You never had a choice. You’re stronger than you think because where there was no choice, you forced yourself to have a choice, damned the punishment and damned the consequences. So, please, stop seeing yourself as a monster. You may not be an angel, but you’re not a monster. There are much worse people than you,’ I said.
‘Hoseok… I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself for some of the things I had to do in my life,’ she whispered, even if she still refused to cry.
‘Then, I’ll offer you forgiveness. I’ll offer you shelter. I’ll give you whatever you need Cherry,’ I said. I felt her smile a bit at the nickname we had given her months ago. ‘Can you forgive me for today? For the way I acted and the words I said?’ I asked her as I ran my fingers through her hair.
‘Only if you buy me doughnuts and eat them with me,’ she said and I chuckled.
‘Then tomorrow we’ll go feast on doughnuts!’ I said. ‘Do you need to rest?’ I asked and I felt her nod. ‘Then sleep. I can be your pillow too,’ I said. I felt her giggle a bit as I laid down and let her rest her head on my chest while she curled up to me.
‘You make a pretty damned good pillow Hobi,’ she said, using the nickname she had given me. I smiled knowing we were okay.
